It's been too long since I noticed that I drag my feet to and fro work and that I lost the motivation and passion about my work. And I started complaining about why I am thinking this is not the kind of job I can handle.
I almost give up. I actually had the thought of wanting to giving up.
Thank god. I spoke to the man about it. And it is the first time I actually told him last about the thing that is nagging on the back of my mind. My buddies and my parents actually hear me pouring out my woes over it first. But heys, he knew what I was going through without me telling him the full story. No one can veto the fact that he knows me the best.
He reminded me that I always had a dream. Something that I threw to the back of my mind as I go through the motions that I repeat week in week out. My dream had never ever ever changed. It is all for a final goal of helping the children battling with cancer. I just forgot. I always wanted to do my part for them ever since secondary school when the band performed for them at the hospital once upon a time. As I grow up, this dream had a little more concrete plan. Since I cannot be a doctor to help them, I can be a researcher and help them instead! And as I advanced through my studies, instead of just saying I want to be a researcher to help them, I want to find the cause of children cancer because the cause is still not known. And I even went to the extent of looking up universities to further my studies on children cancer. But none of the lab interested me because I was into Structural Biology. I cannot stand cell biology which is what most of the research is based on. And as I look through more hospitals and more cancer centers, I realized, there are labs who does Structural Biology that targets cancer. And that set me into where I am. I can learn more about Structural Biology and then in future, I can find my way to help these kids who have no chance to see the beautiful world yet. And Par's group work around protein targets of oncogenes or is somehow related. And so, that was the whole story of why I am I here. It was not just because Par impressed me with just one sentence during his lecture. And I was the one who requested to learn things from the bottom because I want to gain as much experience as possible. And I was fortunate enough to be learning things from such a knowledgeable bunch of colleagues.
My man was the only one who reminded me that I had a dream. And that I love Science and my work because my eyes sparkles when I talk about it. I am just lost because I forgot about it. And to top it up, TOO MUCH drama had been unfolding in my life that I had lost my focus.
And all the other problems like low self confidence and self esteem and not daring to speak up are all my personal traits that I acquired from the way I was brought up. I have to overcome them myself because I cannot be in my comfort zone forever. Critical thinking can be learned. Experience must be gained. Life is not a bed of roses. I cannot just say die the moment I hit a nail. I know I am different from the others in my own way. Being different does not mean that I am not good. I'm just good at other things. So instead of feeling inferior, I should learn to swim in the opposite direction because I am a salmon and not other fishes in the stream. And being different will always be hard. I just have to push through because going along with others is going to make my life harder. Like now.
I have a new bound of energy and motivation. Thank you dear. I would always always try my best to remember what you said to me today. I should never ever forget about the dream that I had for so long. It is still something that stirs my heart when I think about it.
I will be a stronger Kelly tomorrow onwards.
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