I did not pray during the hungry ghost festival.

As many of you had noticed, the lunar 7th month aka hungry ghost festival is here again. There is a myth saying that the door from the lower realm will open and all the spirits of the deceased will come back. As a result, we have to pay our respect to our ancestors, make a lot more offerings (food or incense paper and joss sticks) than usual. And there will be the ge-tai ('Chinese concerts') around the neighborhood with the first row empty because that was reserved for the 'brothers'.

© Stomp

© Stomp

I used to be very scared of this month because I'm scared of encountering it. I believed in all the stories and warnings that my parents give.

But as I grow up, I realized, I no longer attends all the temple gatherings, watch the chinese opera, make offerings, etc, anymore. I find myself questioning about the entire thing. Because as we start shaping ourselves into scientists/researchers, facts and evidence and questioning becomes part of our life. Why? Are you sure? No, you must be kidding.

But of course, I choose to believe in them. I love going to temples, I still pray in the temples and I really still enjoy it. There is a sense of tranquility in the temples. No matter how busy the place is, I would still feel the sense of peace the moment I step into it. I love buddhas. All of them. And as a result, I love visiting the temple if I encounter one. These are just some of the temples that I went to, or rather, temples which I had photos of. Haha.

At Hong Kong, Lantau Island.

At Batam. My favouritest temple so far! =D

At Penang.

At Taiwan, Hsin-Chu city

Which brings me back to the point. Even though I place my belief in them, I completely did not notice that the ghost festival had started this year! My parents don't really ask me to pray at home anymore. So, I went through the first 2 weeks without thinking too much of the entire ghost festival. It was almost that it does not concern me anymore!

But something that my parents said just now reminded me that I did not pray at all since the month had started, more than 15 days ago!!!!!! Not even on Day 1. Oh no.

Well, they mentioned it because I was complaining to her about my past 2 weeks. It was simply terrible. I feel so depressed all the time (except when I'm around other people) because I dread going to work. I cannot find the passion I used to have. I do not like the things I was dealing with. I don't feel a sense of belonging at the lab and at the things I was doing. Everything is not working. Machines fail, mistakes made, experiment fails, crystals not diffracting at all, (super) late nights (how does 10 pm sound to you?), (super) early days (how does 7 am sound to you?), cells not working, proteins going crazy. Every single thing failed. I nearly break down so many times the entire last week because I was that emotionally unstable. I banged things threw things because I was that mad. Not at anyone, but at myself. I just wanted to sit and stone or go off for a damn holiday because I was that depressed. Or maybe because I was that tired (I slept almost my entire Saturday away). Never once had anyone heard me saying anything bad about my work because I simply love it. I am always so proud of what I was doing all the while. But I had lost the sparkle, the passion, the desire and the reason of why I want to do this. Everything became work. I began questioning myself, 'why am I here?'.

My mama just summed up everything with a sentence.

'You never bai-bai for the 7th month right?'

Oh damn, that hit right on the spot. Because I only had myself to blame for everything recently, finding another thing to blame on was a good idea. And maybe, that's true. Ya, I know this is not something that a scientist should say, but hey, are you really so sure that everything does not exist? If it help, I do not mind at all. I'm that desperate for a release from all the down-in-the-dumps feeling but yet have to smile at everyone and show that, 'no, there's nothing wrong with me' kinda feeling. But seriously, the most important thing I have to do it to find my passion back. I have no idea when and why did I lose it. It's the driving force for me all the time.

It's been weeks. I have to find my driving force back. Maybe I should pray now.