Could you all please answer to my prayers?

I prayed to God, I prayed to Guan yin niang and all the deity in the heaven to put him at ease, to put them at ease. Please dun make them feel so terrible anymore. Please give them the moral support to tide across this. I thought, they answered to my prayers. Because, things were not so bleak anymore. I see the spirits lifted. I feel that the family, especially him, is back. All of them send angels to us. They are really angels. But all of a sudden, everything turned black. Was the angels just a dream? Or, they send more devils to surround us?

The heart tug I felt last night was something incredible that I could not explain of. I could not slp the whole night because, I cant find him. In the morning, he's still not back again. I was not told until I got home. Something bad happened, yet again.

I tried. But, I lost the battle with myself.

No. I was instructed not to tell others about this incident anymore. They are going to add a lot more oil and end up soiling our relationship. I wanted to tell them. You know? I did that so many years back. It was so bad that I slipped into depression and they nearly lost their daughter. It was my friends and ah dear who pulled me back. But I had 2 scars that I can never ever get rid of at the end of the incident. But I dun dare to tell them this. You keep protecting him, but did you realized, I felt so exposed?

I should not disturb ah dear because he is studying for exams. But I'm sure, it's more because of the comments he may make to me which may affect my judgement too. Now, who else can I turn to?

I tried to convince them something. They turned around to convince me out of it.

I'm tired.

Of being the person everyone think I should be from young. Study hard because they say it's good. Dun do this because they'll be angry. You have to be strong because they need you. You cannot do that because what do you think others will think of him?

I want to make decisions because I want to do it and not because I need to do it.

I am ready to fall down any moment. But, I cannot. Because of others again. I'm tired of living because of others. Because they'll be heartbroken, because they are not going to come out of it so easily, because I believe they cannot do without me, because, because because because............... But thank god. It is because all of these, I am still alive. Even if it is for others. I dun need to create another disaster out of the crisis. I dun want to hurt people just as how I was hurt. I dun want to stun people just as how stunned I've been over the last few hours.

But I really want to tell them. Stop it. It is not working.

But guan yi niang, da bo gong, jesus christ, allah. Would you answer to my prayers again? I seek for peace within them. I pray for the smiles to be restored and frowns to be erased and worries to be removed.

No worries about me. I've calmed myself down. No matter how much I want to run away, I will stand rooted here. Till I do not feel numb within me anymore. I'll be as normal as I should be in front of all of you. Nothing should and will be changed.

But, fml.