It was seriously a roller coaster ride this evening. I was going "YEA!" when I saw the graduate school email and haha, and "NOOO!" when I made myself read the email carefully. Yeap. I am rejected, yet again. And they just have to do it on a Friday! This time round, it hit me harder because, well, I was given so much confidence into getting in! I was disappointed. Seriously. Well, if I was not, then, I guess, I was not serious about the whole thing, which is not true.
I want to enter the program. Not because I love NTU (in fact, I, erm, you know....). But because I love the lab, all my teachers and all my friends and colleagues. I learned so much and I know I'm still at the tip of the ice berg. And entering the program will set the gears right and I can start doing things with a more defined aim and such. It was not because I want a PhD position to jump up higher in this scientific community and it was not because I don't know what to do and it was not because I just want people to call me Dr. Hew and it was not because of all the superficial things you can come up with. I want to do it because I know I want to continue to learn and I want to have a say in the things I do and I want ownership of the things I do.
So, yes. I was utterly disappointed. At first, at least.
I asked my dear why didn't he consoled me (not my exact words, but the meaning is there). He just told me this.
"The Kelly now and the Kelly before are 2 different people. Given the old one, I'm sure she will cry. But this one, I know she will be alright."
Yea. What he said was true. I walked out of my disappointment faster than I thought I would take. Think of it this way, whatever that comes along my path, I always have the power to make it into something good. We call it "a blessing in disguise" or "there's always a silver lining". I know, no matter what route I take, so long I have the right positive mentality, everything will work out fine. And, so long I always have that final aim/end in mind, it will work itself out. I may take a longer time, but so what? Every single day is an additional experience to me. I'm still doing what I like, I even have projects of my own. Staff benefits, annual leaves are still mine. You tell me, why should I really be so devastated? The world is not coming to an end just because I got rejected the second time round. But of course, these are not going to stop me from wanting to quit. Entering the PhD program is still something that I would want to do. And, it will come true. Soon!
What's more, I realized how loved and supported I am. I saw how sad and disappointed some of them were. And I got praises of how great I am and what a big loss NTU had (that got me a little teary). Everyone seemed ready to 'hop' me if I really break down. People told me that they are here if I need them. I see disappointment in their eyes. P is trying his best to revert this entire thing. SL was so supportive and she gave me a big hug. Everything and everyone just made this incident so much easier to go through. So many people were cursing at the graduate office today. M offered to bash the guy who send me that email even though I have no idea if it's a guy/girl. They gave me suggestions on what to do to revert this. My dear and my bud have absolute faith in me because they understand the logic of having the end in mind.
And the most importantly, I have to thank my dear. Without you, there may not be the new Kelly. You may not be the one who came out with that law, but you were the one who changed me.
For everything and everyone, thank you!
Without failure, the success would not be that sweet~
No comments:
Post a Comment